When I was a kid, like most girls, my confidence wavered off and on. During weaker moments I was very hard on myself and believed little in my own abilities. Perspective is everything and sometimes mine was way off-kilter.
I watch my confident, brilliant teenage daughter go through the same thing. This upcoming August she enters high school. Thankfully she is more confident and self-aware than most kids, or even adults, I know. I’m amazed how she has weathered middle school with nearly no scars. I once praised her for being bold enough to hug her mother in front of her class. She said, “Show them no fear.” That has been her motto, and she has always refused to follow the pack. But even she has her days when she feels low and is down on herself, though I’m usually the only one who’ll know it. She has worked hard at being confident by taking control over her life, accomplishments, and her own happiness. Many of the steps below are ideas she has already incorporated into who she is.
I was thinking about this the other day, how even the most secure and self-reliant people have their moments and what separates them from the rest. Because this was not natural for me but something I had to learn. Well, found something on the internet that describes not only how to be more self confident but a better way to live. Really. Know from experience that it works. I've edited what it and added my own ideas. It’s a long list. A very long list. But it’s good information and worth reading.
1. Recognize your insecurities. What does that scolding voice in the back of your mind say? This could be anything from acne, to regrets, to emotional abuse (past or present) from a loved one. Whatever is making you feel unworthy, ashamed, or inferior, identify it, give it a name. Doing this takes away some of its power.
2. Talk about it with friends and loved ones. Wear it on your sleeve. Each day chip away at it; wear it down. There's no quick fix. Get to the root of the problem; focus on it and understand that you need to resolve each issue before you can move on.
3. Remember that nobody is perfect. Even the most confident people have insecurities.
4. Identify your successes. Focus on your talents. Take pride in them. Give yourself credit for successes. Inferiority is a state of mind in which you've declared yourself a victim. Do not allow yourself to be victimized.
5. Be thankful for what you have. Many times the root of insecurity is a lack of something – emotional validation, money, etc.
6. Be positive even if you don't feel positive. Avoid self-pity. Never allow others to make you feel inferior--they can only do so if you let them. If you continue to loathe and belittle yourself? Everyone else is going to believe it as well and start treating you as such. You set the rules on how the world interacts with you. Instead, speak positively about yourself, about your future, and about your progress. Do not be afraid to project your strengths and qualities to others. By doing so, you reinforce those ideas in your mind and encourage your growth in a positive direction. Learn to be your own best cheerleader, it makes a huge difference in the long run.
7. Look in the mirror and smile. Studies surrounding what's called the "facial feedback theory" suggest that the expressions on your face can actually encourage your brain to register certain emotions. So by looking in the mirror and smiling every day, you might feel happier with yourself and more confident in the long run.
8. Fake it. Along the same lines of smiling to make yourself feel happy, acting confident might actually make you believe it. Pretend you're a completely confident version of you; go through the motions and see how you feel.
9. Express yourself, whether it's through art, music, writing, etc. Or figure out what you really enjoy and go online to find nearby clubs of those interests. Spending time doing something you really enjoy is great therapy for anyone. You will ALWAYS have a to-do list, things that have to get done, the rest of your life. This will never go away. Put yourself first and carve out some fun ‘me’ time. This is crucial – and enjoy it with no guilt.
10. Exercise and eat healthy. No hard and fast rules here. I love to walk and try to keep a semi-healthy diet along with a few vitamins. These things alone make a huge difference.
11. When you're feeling superbly insecure, write down a list of things that are good about you. Then read the list back. You'd be surprised at what you can come up with. Or just get out of the house. Solitude, during these darkest times, usually makes things worse, not better, no matter how badly you want to hide away. Any form of exercise or similar (window shopping, yardwork, etc) will almost always leave you feeling at least a little bit better.
12. Turn feelings of envy or jealousy into a desire to achieve. Stop wanting what others have just because they have it; seek things simply because you want them, whether anybody else has them or not.
13. Don’t be afraid to push yourself a bit - a little bit of pressure can actually show just how good you are. You’ll suprise yourself on just how capable you are.
14. Perform volunteer work. Not only does it usually help you feel better about your own life but something about it nearly always makes a person feel better. No way around it.
15. Don’t get wrapped up in your mistakes and dwell on bad points; they can contrast your good points or even give you something to improve. Truth is, people think if they beat themselves up on what they screwed up on or are bad at, it’ll eventually help them do better. Wrong. Almost always is has the opposite effect and just reinforces those bad thoughts that are useless.
16. Don’t confuse what you have with who you are. People degrade their self worth when comparing possessions.
17. Surround yourself with nurturing friends. There are too many ‘toxic’ people in this world and life is too short. Learn to steer clear or spend less time with overly critical individuals who make you feel inadequate or insecure. This could do great harm and damage to your self confidence.
* Above photo is of Alexandra, February 19th 2007, in Lehinch Ireland
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