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Star gazing weekend! Last night was the H.M.S. Beagle star party. Tonight is the Platte County Parks star party in Weston Bend State Park. Alex went with Leif and me last night and will again tonight! Busy family of astronomers! Tonight, with the party starting at 7pm, we'll be doing some solar viewing through my 10 inch Dob telescope. Can't wait! I'm going to try to get my iPhone scope mount working and hopefully will be posting pics tonight of the Sun, Saturn, and other objects. Wish me luck getting it to work! Then, tomorrow, we'll be tackling the backyard. That's where wishing us luck will really come in handy. We have trees we've waited way too long to bring down and it's a jungle back there. Pretty jungle but still a jungle. I'm surprised we haven't seen a monkey yet (we've seen every other kind of wildlife back there, so why not?)
My nephew posted this question on Facebook today - "Have you changed in the past 10 years?". My response: "If you haven't changed in 10 years something is wrong. For better or worse, life itself forces things to be different which means you, in some way, have changed in the past 10 years. I'm more confident and comfortable in who I am. Some of my relationships have grown and are even more solid than 10 years ago. Some friendships I've unfortunately let fall to the wayside (life happens but still no excuse). Body aches more easily but I'm more appreciative of the body I do have than I did 10 years ago. I'm calmer and more centered. I think I've realized how impermanent things are and it helps put things in perspective. I can only hope some of these trends continue. And assume the next 10 years will probably take me to a place I hadn't anticipated as it's true of these past 10 years."
So how have you changed in the past 10 years? Body image, family relationships, friend relationships, work relationships, overall happiness.
Body image? I don't have guys checking me out like it used to be. Which doesn't bother me much, just something I recently realized. I notice wrinkles and the skin is a little less baby-smooth. Right now I will tell you that my fiance and daughter would call me crazy and say that I'm beautiful. Truthful or not, everyone needs to hear that. And partly due to maturity and partly due to their unwavering love and support, I've grown to like my body more. Or feel less hate towards it. It also doesn't hurt that I don't have youth-envy. I've came to accept that I'm aging and it's part of life and doesn't define me.
Family relationships? One sister is no longer in my life. This is a recent thing. On the anniversary of our mother's death, she posted she was happy mom was dead. As I was the only one that took care of our mom while she battled cancer (and lost), the comment was particularly hurtful. She's too toxic to most people that come into contact with her and I believe her to be mentally unstable. I've been patient my whole life with her, feeling sorry for her, but after that event, my patience ran dry and realized I needed to start protecting myself. Which ended up unfriending her on Facebook and am no longer in contact with her (but still am with her wonderful children). Another sister has came to depend on my support as she goes continues to go through incredibly hard times. She was like a second mother growing up and am honored to be there for her. Third sister I've had a medium relationship with as she, for the longest time, saw me as the person who stole her 'baby of the family'. More close with her daughter who I see a bit like my own daughter. But that's not so unusual for the aunt role. Fourth sister (I have a large family) has sort of removed herself from most of our family. I can only guess why. It seems permanent and I can't force a relationship on her. Just let her know I'm there for her while respecting her need to pull away from the family. One brother passed away when I was 9 and I'm finally fully accepting it as it was so hard to make sense of it as a child (he committed suicide). My other brother has finally lighten up and is downright silly on Facebook. Unexpected from him but it makes me hopeful that he's finally really happy. Families are so complex.
Friend relationships? Part of the reason I'm no longer close with many of my friends is that we've all gotten caught up in work and family responsibilities. Many are no longer with our company and live 40+ minutes away. Makes it so tough to stay close, which deeply saddens me. I'm starting to frequent our favorite local bar again (well, occasionally) which gives me an opportunity to see one dear friend at least once in awhile. Those that were closest to me when my mother passed away are those that I most regret not staying close to. These are people that you are blessed to know and have in your life. They come close to sainthood in my eyes. Another reason for the distance is that I seem to spend all my free time with my fiance (yes, even after all these years). While it's wonderful to have your lover as your best friend, it's not optimal in a balanced life to not carve out time for others. Wow, I think I just guilted myself into making a few phone calls next week.
Work relationships? They aren't the same in my current group as they were in my past groups. The closeness just isn't there. I've slowly developed a few closer relationships (love ya, Manjula!) but we don't have the time or the environment that is conducive to building close relationships with work mates. And it's a work place that is more competitive and less 'atta boy!' than I'd like it to be. Not blatantly competitive but get the impression most everyone, on some level, is weary of another. But, thankfully, our area of the company is always improving and is, overall, a pretty cool place to work.
Overall happiness? That's a very complicated creature for me. I've been battling depression off and on since the period where I was going through (all within one year) an abusive divorce, a major emergency surgery, and my mom dying. Having one daughter leave for college while my soon-to-be step daughter hated me didn't help. When you can't get away from hate within your own house, you feel powerless. And work? Well, shouldn't really go there except to say that watching friends leave due to lay-offs was like experiencing tiny deaths of each one. During that year, our family endured even more horrific experiences. One sister (my second mama) was assaulted and had a heart attack during the attack. Another sister was in a major car accident, almost died, and they thought she would never walk again. I took her hiking on a glacier in Alaska 6 months after her accident, which was a miracle (had to thrown in a little happiness into that dismal list of events). These days things are more calm but I'll forever be scarred by those years of my life and reclaiming my happiness has been a slow process. I'm walking daily, meditate at least weekly, get a massage monthly, go on a real vacation at least once a year (Mexico trip was just this last Christmas), and make sure I no longer work through lunches. And tons of other positive changes. Life is good. But I've worked hard at it. And no longer take the good things for granted. I have a fiance and daughter that adore me. They are my favorite people to hang out with, the most fun, interesting, and funny people I know. Work is interesting and rarely boring. I'm starting to rebuild old friendships as well as carving out time for new ones. And I'm about to go back to college! So very excited. Took Java 13 years ago (and had a web design/programming gig 12 years ago). I'll retake Java as part of many classes I want to take. Talked with my boss and, after I've completed java, will begin looking for java programming opportunities at work (I'll stay mainframe but will add the 'spice' of java to it as well). I love learning and love being goal oriented. Going back to college is my next exciting challenge and I can't wait.
So have I changed in the past 10 years? Without a doubt. Life forced it upon me and I've done an excellent job of going with the flow, keeping my head above water, and taking advantage of opportunities when they arise. Never give up the core of who you are but always be open to leaving your comfort zone. I can't even image what my life will look like 10 years from now.
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