Holidays are tough

I miss my mom. Holidays continue to be tough and I wish they weren't. There is a part of me that is afraid I'll eventually forget and no longer care. It's like I don't ever want to become numb to the pain which maybe is why I've blocked things out. I feel like I deserve and need to continue to feel the rawness but it continues to overwhelm me. I just want to numb up a bit. I thought it was because I hadn't done my taxes that I was feeling anxious and sad. I was concerned that all of a sudden my usual anti-anxiety tricks stopped working. Then someone tweeted how they always get blue around the holidays and something just rang true about that. And it was at that moment I realized I was blue in part due to my mom. I had been feeling wistful about family earlier in the day so it made sense. My sisters were busy with Easter egg hunts today and I wasn't jealous but wistful, wishing I were there to join in helping hide the eggs then watch the little ones in their adorable outfits go hunting. My family lives half a country away in Oregon, Alaska, and Louisiana which makes it nearly impossible to see each other.

Today was a good day. Went for a walk with Lilly then later we bought some frisbee golf discs and played a round at the park with Mary (Leif's daughter). Afterwards got a stash of Cadburry eggs (yum!).  Leif gave me an adorable Easter card and an army of peeps. I should be happy and relaxed with all the sun, outdoors, and sweets. But I'm not which. Nothing is working and I'm too wound up to do my taxes which is stressing me out as well. And shouldn't. I have two weeks and mine will be easy. So at least I'm recognizing when my anxieties aren't always realistic and am able to trace it back a bit to its original source.

My Secret Life

My secret life is not yours. No one owns it, sometimes not even me.

My secret life, to the world, is not meant to be seen.

My secret life is not nearly as exciting as I could let it be.

But my secret life is more fascinating than you’ll ever perceive.

Life is good

It feels like Saturday. Beautiful, warm, and I'm off from work. Can't believe it's going to snow on Monday. Worst April Fool's joke ever.
Walked for two hours this afternoon. Think I actually wore out my pooch, which is awesome.
Currently at the Parkville Coffeehouse, relaxing, enjoying the chill atmosphere. Tonight is the H.M.S. Beagle's first star party of the year. With a such a beautiful evening in store, it should be lovely evening for star gazing. Leif does such a great job and really puts his heart into the presentations. He grumbles but actually loves doing these types of things.
Work is going great, we're starting to plan our wedding, and spring is attempting to assert itself. Life is good. In less than two months Alex will be home from college. Miss that girl, my total bestie. Just finishing her sophomore year, going for a degree in aerospace engineering.
2013 is slowly starting to live up to expectations and may prove to be the best year I've had in years. Deserve it, life has been rough since 2007. Every major life stress-or has happen in these past 6 years. How I survived is a miracle and only through sheer tenacity.

MySpace...missed ya

Oh, MySpace, how I've missed you. Is that like saying you miss hanging out at a place from your adolescent years? Probably but I don't care. Isn't MySpace getting a revival? So it's not odd to start using it again. Somehow hanging out there is different than hanging out elsewhere. There were friends I made there that I stayed with for years, through their mother's death, through my mother's death, through all our ups and downs. Can you say that for all the friends you see in person? I thought not. Each social media platform has its place and MySpace hasn't lost theirs. It was just in hibernation. And I contend that it isn't only for bands. It's a place to reconnect as Facebook is getting too crowded. Heck, even my reserved brother is getting downright silly on his Facebook posts. What is this world coming to? So, MySpace, "Hello, it's nice to see you again. Won't you stay for awhile?"

Old open wounds never heal

Writing used to come more naturally but I've shut that part down as emotions ran too deep. Sometimes tapping into anything quickly becomes too much of everything fighting its way out. 4.5 years after my mom's death and that night is still fresh in my mind. She shouldn't have died that way, in so much pain. Her death didn't feel natural despite being in a hospice by that point. I realize it comes across as still not accepting her death but she's the one who chose to give up and ask to be put into the hospice. Then later forgot and asked why I put her there. How can that not break your heart and question all of her reasoning at the time? A part of me will always wonder if she would be alive today had she not given up for the sake of it being easier on me. That's a sore, open wound that will never heal.