Old open wounds never heal

Writing used to come more naturally but I've shut that part down as emotions ran too deep. Sometimes tapping into anything quickly becomes too much of everything fighting its way out. 4.5 years after my mom's death and that night is still fresh in my mind. She shouldn't have died that way, in so much pain. Her death didn't feel natural despite being in a hospice by that point. I realize it comes across as still not accepting her death but she's the one who chose to give up and ask to be put into the hospice. Then later forgot and asked why I put her there. How can that not break your heart and question all of her reasoning at the time? A part of me will always wonder if she would be alive today had she not given up for the sake of it being easier on me. That's a sore, open wound that will never heal.