Holidays are tough

I miss my mom. Holidays continue to be tough and I wish they weren't. There is a part of me that is afraid I'll eventually forget and no longer care. It's like I don't ever want to become numb to the pain which maybe is why I've blocked things out. I feel like I deserve and need to continue to feel the rawness but it continues to overwhelm me. I just want to numb up a bit. I thought it was because I hadn't done my taxes that I was feeling anxious and sad. I was concerned that all of a sudden my usual anti-anxiety tricks stopped working. Then someone tweeted how they always get blue around the holidays and something just rang true about that. And it was at that moment I realized I was blue in part due to my mom. I had been feeling wistful about family earlier in the day so it made sense. My sisters were busy with Easter egg hunts today and I wasn't jealous but wistful, wishing I were there to join in helping hide the eggs then watch the little ones in their adorable outfits go hunting. My family lives half a country away in Oregon, Alaska, and Louisiana which makes it nearly impossible to see each other.

Today was a good day. Went for a walk with Lilly then later we bought some frisbee golf discs and played a round at the park with Mary (Leif's daughter). Afterwards got a stash of Cadburry eggs (yum!).  Leif gave me an adorable Easter card and an army of peeps. I should be happy and relaxed with all the sun, outdoors, and sweets. But I'm not which. Nothing is working and I'm too wound up to do my taxes which is stressing me out as well. And shouldn't. I have two weeks and mine will be easy. So at least I'm recognizing when my anxieties aren't always realistic and am able to trace it back a bit to its original source.